By Survivor's Voice
Lies lies and more lies, going through this process of telling the police, waiting for charges and arrests and then trial and going though counseling you have to re-live every moment, every time, every emotion and prepare yourself to have all the anger and sadness that you have worked on to come rolling back in like a wave. But you can take comfort in that every time it will be less intense, last shorter and slowly it will be less and less each time you talk or remember.
With that through this I’ve realized how many lies I’ve told though the last almost 12 years for this guy, it almost becomes your second life really living a lie keeping up an act is a full time job you yourself start believing what your saying to others the excuses you make for him the secrets no longer are secrets but are blocked from your mind, not because it didn’t happen but because this is how your are surviving. You don’t realize it at the time and even for years later till your told but the lies you told you did and said what you had to, to get you threw the days and keep going with a strong heart.
But the real part of this blog is the lies he tells. I’v seen that his lies are endless how many lies has he told is telling and will be. When does it stop being a lie to him and become what he actually believes. I always knew he would lie to other of course no one would actually accept him if they ever knew the truth and now that I’m letting it out he is scrambling, getting as many people in his corner as possible no matter how many stories he needs to stretch. I’ve got to hear someone the lies he says from very in depth detail he’s making up and some are very disturbing. It makes me think how can a people do that how can they be so committed to not letting one find out what you have done, and I’ve learnt that it maybe now to the point that he has said so many lies he is starting to believe his own lies. I told him the last time we spoke that you can’t hide from the truth forever, what will people think when they hear every dark secret, and he’s still so sure of himself that his lies will bury the truth.
Each lie I hear or am told still infuriated me until now because letting him control your emotions is almost in a way letting him win, it’s a work in progress to fully let go of the anger.
Tell yourself everyday one thing instead of letting his words consume your thoughts and that is the messages I say to him even if he can’t hear it...yet.
Your lies will eat you alive.